Pick one entry from each column in the list above, feed it into the Generator, and out pops the screenplay for a Bollywood sports movie. The first entry was “Aiyo Aiyo, Balle Balle”, the story of Ambujam, the dancer who turned from Bharatnatyam to Giddha.
Here’s the second screenplay from the generator:
Movie Title: “Homi’s Cutlets.”
The formula: Parsis + Kabbadi + Bend it like Beckham/Chak De
The plot:
Homi Irani is a Parsi teenager with an idol: Pankaj Shirsat of the Indian Kabaddi team. He even has a small poster of Pankaj from the back pages of Sportstar; it shows Pankaj at the 2006 Asian Games in Doha, helping India win the gold medal over Pakistan.
Unfortunately, in the Mumbai Parsi Colony where he lives, the only sports his fellow Parsis play is carrom.
Poor Homi is getting tired of playing kabaddi by himself. Try to imagine drawing a line in the sand, and walking across it muttering “kabaddi, kabaddi”, all by yourself.
Through a series of coincidences, Homi manages to meet Sanjay Naik, a kabaddi coach down on his luck. Turns out the coach used to play for the Shirodkar Sports Club, and in the 1979 National Kabaddi finals, he had fumbled a crucial tackle against Paresh Rupala of their arch-rivals: the Reliance Kaamchors (the camera needs to shows this in a extra-slow pan, the sand falling between Sanjay’s grasping fingers as Paresh slips away across the line).
Of course, no one in the audience or on Sanjay's team realizes that Paresh, as befitting a member of the Reliance team, has coated himself with a near-invisible layer of the latest Reliance Petrochemical synthetic. The Shirodkars may as well have tried catching an eel.
After being pelted with the proverbial rotten tomatoes and being accused of taking bribes from Reliance, Sanjay withdraws from the Indian kabaddi scene and spends the next few decades in the wilderness; selling peanuts outside the Gateway of India.
Cut to the present: Sanjay and Homi manage to coax together a ragtag band of fellow Parsis to form the Parsi Kabaddi Club.
Coach Sanjay finds his job is harder than he thinks. Sample challenge: how to get the boys to start saying “Kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi” instead of “Bawa, mawa, bawa, mawa.” (Hey, I warned you that my movie generator program is not for the easily offended.)
Long story short – Homi and his team recast themselves as “Homi’s Cutlets”, and go to the National Kabaddi Championship in Gangtok. Sneering at their skinny physiques, the other teams make the costly mistake of underestimating them and soon realize that an egg-rich diet has made Homi’s Cutlets very slippery to tackle.
After beating one team after another, they finally meet the Punjab Police team in the finals.
Author’s quandry - here the BPSKSMG ran into a bug and spat out two endings, each one a different cliché. The first one, the obvious cliché – where the Bawas struggle valiantly and kick the stuffing out of a superior but wicked team. Sample scene: Buta Singh, the evil captain of the Punjab Police team, twirling his mushtache and taunting Homi, “Bacchu, maa ki godh se phisal ke kaise idhar aa gaya? Bhaag jaa, varna teri tho Saali Boti banaa kar vaapas bhejoonga.” [kiddo, how did you slip from your mom’s lap? Run away, or I will make Parsi-style mince-meat out of you.]
The second, the less common cliche – where the Bawas struggle valiantly but ultimately lose to the superior team. Sample scene: As Homi’s Cutlets drag themselves off the field, bloodied and defeated, but with head held high, they get a standing ovation from the crowd and from Buta Singh and his men. A weeping Buta Singh takes his turban off and puts it on Homi’s head, while saying something throat-lump-forming, like, “Wah Homi-bhai, vazan mein tho honge tum halke bawa, lekin dil mein tho ho motay sardar.” [Wow, Homi brother, in weight you may be a skinny bawa, but in your heart you are a fat Sardar.] Fade to Bhangra song, with the Punjab Police team and Homi’s Cutlets clasping hands and dancing in a circle, singing “Tootak tootak tootak toothiyaan…”
Stars: Saif Ali Khan as Homi Irani, Anil Kapoor as Sanjay Naik, Bomi Irani as Behram Irani (Homi’s dad). Special appearance by Akshay Kumar, as Buta Singh.
Notable quotes from the movie:
A bemused Sanjay Naik, shouting to the team, “Arre, bawa mawa nahin, kabaddi kabaddi!”
